I got into a fight with the Democratic Party of Georgia this afternoon. The only reason I answered “Private Caller” on my phone was because I was waiting to hear back from potential volunteers to play with my autistic son. It was the second call I’d recently answered from the Democratic Party of Georgia. The first call, I answered last week. I was very polite and cheered them on but they got really pissed when I said I wouldn’t give them money. This afternoon, the guy from the Democratic Party of Georgia was very rude to me and I told him so. I politely told him not to call anymore and he angrily said, “Don’t you know what’s going on in the world?”
The last time someone angrily asked me if I knew what was going on in the world was several years ago when I was walking with my friend. She mentioned how another friend of ours had decided not to get her kitchen renovated. I asked why our mutual friend decided not to get her kitchen renovated. My friend yelled at me, “Don’t you know what’s going on in the world?” My friend berated me and explained our friends were not getting their kitchens renovated because there was an economic crisis. I explained that I knew about the economic crisis but I wasn’t paying a lot of attention to my friend’s kitchen renovations. We then talked about a different friend who seemed really happy lately. I said how great it was that our mutual friend was choosing to be happy. My friend then yelled at me that not everyone gets to choose to be happy and how I didn’t understand that there are people in the world who don’t have electricity and running water.
“They are turning on their own,” I thought, after my altercation with the Democratic Party of Georgia caller. I’m on their side (with my voting and my wallet), and they are calling me up and yelling at me. Since the election, I have noticed a lot of people turning on their own. People are bitter and angry that they lost and I see them turning on the people who are on their side. I realized I am also angry and bitter. I feel like a loser and I am turning on my own. I am furious and hopeless at how much I feel like a failure, especially with regard to my autistic son. Guess who is the target of my rage? The person who is most there for me and most on my side—my husband.
Last night, I was angry with my husband for a long list of things and I brought up one or two of them right before we were about to go to sleep. One of the things I am mad at him about, is how my husband rooted against my hometown team, the Cubs, during the 7th game of the World Series and convinced my son to root against them too. Before bed, after I told him one of the things on my “why i’m angry at you” list, I felt unsatisfied with his answer. I thought if we talked about it more it would just get worse so I laid down and closed my eyes. I thought, “I love you without needing anything in return.” I thought, “I love you and accept you exactly as you are.” I thought while looking at my husband, “I love you without needing anything in return.” Then I held his hand and looked into his eyes and thought, “I love you without needing anything in return. I appreciate you exactly as you are. You don’t need to do anything in return for me to love you.” I wasn’t mad anymore. I felt completely in love with him and happy. I thought, “Is it this easy?” I thought, “Yes, I want it to be this easy.” And it was that easy. The reason it was so quick and easy for me to feel such bliss around loving my husband, without needing him to change, is because I have practice.
Yesterday, I was pacing around our playroom with my son while he was singing the same verse to a song over and over again. I thought, “I love you exactly the way you are. I love you without needing anything in return. You don’t ever have to change if you don’t want to. I accept you. I love you without needing anything in return.” Part of the homeschooling program we do with my son is based on loving him without needing anything in return. We practice wanting more for him and doing things to help him without needing anything in return from him. If my son weren’t autistic, I wouldn’t have so much practice with loving without needing anything in return. It’s the best feeling.
Even though I take out my frustration on my husband, I have the tools and the practice to easily love and appreciate him without needing anything in return. It feels so much better than being right. Thank you to my son for teaching me to love without needing—it’s so easy and beautiful. My practice with loving this way makes me really happy, and makes me and my husband have a deep loving relationship. Because of all the work we do with our son, when I’m angry at my husband, I’ll say, “I’m pissed at you. It has nothing to with you. I want you to change this thing. However, when I get angry, I’m doing it to me. It has nothing to do with you. You aren’t making me angry. I’m choosing to make myself angry.” I feel so light after I own my feelings and I feel closer and happier with my husband. Thank you to my son for giving me the tools to be happier and experience love more in my life!